Recently have been feeling really down and tired. It seems like every month starting from march, i have been regularly reporting to hospital. First my daughter fell and have to rush to hospital for stitches, then my son running high fever rushing to hospital in the morning at 5am+, followed by daughter fits and high fever rushing to hospital at 4am+ and hospitalised for four days dialogues with urine infection. Currently, still on medication next came another news.
My dearest grandma had a fall and was hospitalised, i had to quickly finish the housework settle my 2 kids and rush to hospital again. Through the phone my uncle sound normal, so i thought it was a minor fall. But when i arrive at the hospital, my heart sank. My poor grandma got a big bao on the forehead all the way to her eyes and it was quite swollen and her nose was stain with dry blood. Her both hand was also swollen and she look so much in pain. I could not describe how i felt at that very moment, on the surface i do look and sound very normal. ( but deep inside me was very worry) I'm the type of person who do not know how to express myself. So people might think that i do not care or even think that i am heartless.
I blame myself for being so fussy, if only i can accept a maid and keep my eyes shut; allowing them to do what they like. Then my life could be alot easier and have more time to look after my grandma. I really hope to take care of her or stay by her side to help her. She was like a mother to me, she was the one who bought me up taking good care of me when i am sick and pull me back when i goes on the wrong path. But now she's so old and alone, i cannot do my part at all. I offered her to stay with me, but she rejected. She stay in town area, whereas i stay so far away mountain side Haa!
I am now a full time stay at home housewife and have lost all my friends. I have no one to pour my woes, so i spent my time baking and baking to distress. But it seems that i have lost all those passion in baking recently. I have to drag myself to bake and recently all my bake flung. Luckily, the cakes are still edible, but all crack or slightly drier then usual ( i am a perfectionist type of person, so i became more impatient). I tried to do spring cleaning, but the more i force myself the more emotional i am. As times goes by i have now develop into a very temperamental person and my body seems to change into sleep mode. I overslept every morning and even during daytime i felt very sleepy. Basically, i just felt like sleeping all the time.
If only god can hear me, plss send someone to love me and i badly need to rest in arms away from all the emotional struggle. Take me out of here, let me close my eyes and sleep till my personal emotion disperse. Well that's life! Everyone have to go through the process. Is just that some are more fortunate and some are not.
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